Anime Survival Guide Humor
Ever wonder what you should do if you realize you're in an anime? This handy survival guide offers rules to live by.
There are many unspoken laws and rules of anime, and while you have no doubt seen other lists about them, they are not designed to help you if you find yourself stuck in an anime. This handy list will help you to prepare for the eventuality, should the need ever arise.
- The most easily concealed weapon ever devised is the mallet, but they can only be operated effectively by angry women. If you are a woman, make sure you're equipped. If you're a man, watch your back, and your hands.
- A Katana can cut through absolutely anything in the hands of a ninja or samurai, including people, rock, and metal power armor. The only things invulnerable to the "cool slash" are heroes and other Katana--be one or have one.
- It's easier to build any superweapon in the shape of the human body; treads, turrets, or large size are usually only a hindrance. Corollary: the bigger it is, the easier it falls.
- Further, the most powerful superweapons are always shaped like attractive young women. Respect may save your life.
- Good is higher on the electromagnetic spectrum than evil. Therefore, the good guy always glows blue, and he'll win in the end because he emits more energy. If the bad guy is glowing blue, you're in it deep.
- 95% of all women have the strength to lift cars, boulders, and 10 ton mallets, but only if they're very angry and about to drop the weight on the head of a lecherous man. Plan accordingly.
- Conversely, the human body can rapidly recover from falls from great height, massive concussions, and punches that would destroy a brick wall, but only if the damage was inflicted by a woman in a fit of rage. This has lead to the postulate that "angry woman damage" falls into the same category of "virtual damage" that applies to anything that hits a main character in a climactic fight before he/she deals his/her big, final, special move.
- Two small white bandages in the shape of an "X" is sufficient treatment for many severe injuries. Make sure your first-aid kit includes some.
The majority of more serious injuries can be treated by wrapping a bandage around the upper arm, or the upper body in particularly extreme cases. Sterilization, stitches, and antibiotics are useless, so in a pinch a handkerchief or piece of clothing are good substitutes for hospital care.
- Severely injured women never have any visible injuries beyond a scuff on the forehead; severely injured men can be missing arms, legs, or heads.
- Never, ever mess with the two-and-a-half-foot-tall old guy.
- The dumber he seems, the luckier he is in battle.
- If somebody tells you a goofy-looking guy is the most dangerous swordsman/gunslinger/mage/warrior who ever lived, don't even think about it--they're probably right.
- If somebody tells you the same about a cute girl, they're definitely right.
- The size of the shoulder plates on armor is directly proportional to how powerful the wearer is. Take note before picking a fight.
- Clueless people under the age of 21 are always the best people to have in charge of space fleets, armies, or saving the world from demons. If you're not one yourself, hire one.
- It is impossible for anyone over the age of 20 to do anything important, other than train the hero or die dramatically. Usually both.
- High school students who do well in classes rarely get the girl, or save the universe. There is hope.
- If you are fat, you are not the hero.
- If somebody tells you that you're the only one capable of saving the world, don't bother arguing or trying to weasel out of it; they're right and you'll just end up doing it anyway.
- If you're a warrior who only wants to retire and raise a family, you never will.
- Hideous, tentacled demons are always evil. Stoic, handsome demons are usually worse.
- Guys with squinty eyes are always evil, as are quiet guys with glasses.
- If she's got lips, she's bad.
- Beware adolescent geniuses: Their most likely career choice is evil genius, not computer programmer or scientist (unless it's mad scientist).
- Never, ever have a dramatic change of heart; you will die.
- A socially well-adjusted scientist is an oxymoron.
- There are no 30 year old women--people jump directly from college to late middle age without warning.
- Disney's Law: Unless they're freaks, demons, or on a permanent business trip, one or more of your parents is dead.
- In particular, if you are a teenager, both of your parents are either on an extended business trip, or dead.
- All demons find humankind and its civilization disgusting, but are attracted to human women.
- If you come from another plane of existence, you're almost certainly very, very bad, and more than likely very ugly.
- Most inhabitants of other planes are ugly and male. Most inhabitants of other planets are attractive and female.
- Roddenberry's Law: 95% of all alien species look almost exactly like humans, but are more attractive on average.
- Women from other worlds are always attracted to meek, average high school students. If there are multiple extraterrestrial women in the same place, they will always like the same one.
- The surest way to encounter a woman from outer space or another dimension is to be alone, male, and late going to or returning from school. This is also the surest way to be attacked by something nasty, so be careful.
- If you have amnesia or can't clearly remember your childhood, you are either an alien, some sort of extradimensional being, or a god. If you're absolutely sure that you're just a normal girl/boy, you're almost certainly not.
- If you're a male main character, your luck with women is inversely proportional to the luck you want to have with women. Don't want, and you will get.
- Girls blush, guys get a nosebleed.
- If you're a female main character, the amount of attraction you feel for a man is directly proportional to the number of other women who feel the same way. Desire loves company.
- If you're a man, you will always be initially attracted to tall, glamourous, busty women, but your true love is usually cuter and shorter.
- If you're a man and there is no romantic competition for the woman of your dreams, she's obsessed with some sort of machinery.
- If he seems too cool to have a girlfriend, he probably is. Don't waste your time.
- The deeper a young man's voice is, the more attractive and self centered he is.
- 1st Rule of Shoujo: the more attractive a man is to women, the more he'll look like a woman himself.
- 2nd Rule of Shoujo: If he's hot, he's gay.
- 3rd Rule of Shoujo: Fangirls dig the pale, skinny guy.
- Everything important centers on Tokyo, particularly extraterrestrial or demonic invasions.
- Further, Shinjuku is the absolute center of the universe. Why remains a mystery.
Armed with these valuable pieces of knowledge, you will hopefully find your next encounter with girls from outer space, paranormal high schoolers, or effeminite men safer and more productive.